One Man Wolf Pack
by Cloudbird4
Summary: The Life of Remus Lupin after the fateful night on October 31, 1981. He lost everything. Three of his best friends and the one he loved.
1. Interrogation

**Oh crap, ok. This is my first story I'm putting here. I'm really self-conscious about it. I know once I hit the post button I'm going to hate it T.T. Please be right. _Corrective _criticism is welcomed. Please correct me on spelling and grammar errors. I Hope you like it! (And yes, the title is a joke, not a very good one though)**

**Disclamer: J.K. Rowling beat me too it**

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One Man Wolf Pack  
Chapter One:  
Interrogation

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The room would have been pitch black had it not been for the ball of enchanted light hanging above his head. The room was freezing, making him wonder if there had been a dementor near by. An unlit cigarette dangled from his lips, thanks to Moody, who had been uncharacteristically kind to him. His legs and torso were chained to the chair and his arms bound to the table, making it almost impossible to do wand-less magic without being noticed. The chains felt red hot against his skin. At first, when he tried to resist, the metal broke his skin effortlessly. Small pools of nearly dried blood lied under his hands and feet.

Thuds of wood against floor grew louder and louder. The door opened with a metallic creek. Alistor Moody along with another Female auror - who was carrying a small box of potions – came in, followed by an Ox patronus.

He chewed and sucked on the end of the cigarette nervously, trying to calm himself as Moody dimmed the light above him. The dull lighting hit Mad Eye's face in all the right places, highlighting all his battle scars.  
"I believe you know why you're here Lupin."  
Remus fidgeted in his seat, trying to find a more comfortable position for his hands.

_"Remus John Lupin. You are under arrest for suspicion of the aid in the death of Peter Pettigrew, and Lily and James Potter."  
"Excuse me?" Before he could say anything else, they slapped a pair of handcuffs on his wrist. He growled softly as the metal burned his skin._

_He was shaking all the way to the Ministry. Three of his best friends... dead! How did this happen? What about the Fidelius Charm? DAMN! Sirius! After all it was obvious that he had been the Secret-Keeper. Did the death eaters squeeze the information out of him? If so then how was he suspected? Was it because of him being a werewolf? Had they tough he was the Secret-Keeper? And that's when he saw it. Three Aurors holding the mad man back, screaming and laughing at the same time. His jet black hair laying__haphazardly across his face. His gray eyes fill with crazy blood lust. They pulled Sirius Black onto the boat. One that would lead him to Azkaban. . . _

"You know Moody, braking into my flat and putting silver handcuffs on me wasn't the best way of telling me of three of my best friend's demise and treason of another."  
"The cuffs where a basic precaution." The female Auror said, but Remus ignored her.  
"Where's Harry?" He asked.  
"He's fine." Moody Huffed.  
"Where. Is. He?" He was starting to lose his cool. He had lost so much in the past twenty-four hours, he wasn't about to lose Harry, the last bit of Lily and James he had.  
"Dumbledore's taken him to his aunt's. Muggle. He'll be safe there."  
Remus relaxed a bit. He hadn't noticed, in his rage, he had tried to pull his arms free, making them bleed again.  
"Honestly, is the silver necessary? You know me Moody."  
"And I though I knew Black, but I was wrong."  
Remus flinched at the name. It made his insides burn in a way he couldn't explain. It was like his stomach was lined with Firewhiskey, but the burning was anything but soothing and encouraging.

The female Auror pulled out a small bottle of clear liquid. He knew exactly was it was. He was here for interrogation and they were going to get the truth out of him. She pulled the cigarette out of his mouth and put it in her own. Then she grabbed him by the hair and pulled his head back, leaving his mouth open slightly. Instead of only the necessary three drops, she poured the whole bottle of Veritaserum down his throat. He felt like his mind wasn't his own anymore, like someone was thinking for him.  
"When was the last time you saw Sirius Black?" She asked.  
"T-This morning." He said unwillingly. Remus balled his fists up and tried to fight it, but all the Veritaserum overpowered him. She pushed his head forward, let go of him and walked to the front of the table. She grabbed his clutched fists and looked into his eyes. She had thick, messy black hair, held up by a hair clip. Her eyes, in this lighting, looked a dark shade of violet. She had black circles around her eyes, most likely from lack of sleep. He had seen her before, no doubt.  
"Did you know Black was the Secret-Keeper?"  
"I-I wasn't sure b-but that's what I assume since he was the c-closest to James."  
"Did you know Black was a Death Eater?"  
"No... I-I didn't..." Remus' insides curled again. How could this be? You think you know a guy for ten years and bam! Death Eater. But Sirius Loathed dark Magic. It didn't make sense.  
"Are you a Death Eater?"  
"No! I would never!" Remus said willingly.  
"You're lying." She growled. "I can smell it." She reached for another bottle of Veritaserum and again, poured the whole thing in his mouth. He twitched in his seat and the Veritaserum overpowered him further.  
"Why did Black tell Voldemort?"  
"I don't know!" Remus growled. "I didn't know he was a Death Eater or Secret-Keeper to the Potters. I don't know anything!"  
"What part did you play in the Potters and Pettigrew's death?" She asked.  
"I-I didn't. I didn't even know till just an hour ago!"  
"You filthy werewolf!" She yelled in his face. "You can't lie to me! How could you not know you're friends had died?"  
"I-I didn't ok?"  
She sighed, pulled out her wand and lit the cigarette. She reached her hand back in the box. "Well it's obvious you're fighting the Veritaserum, and if that won't make you talk -" She pulled out a knife. "—Silver will." She ran the knife across the palm of Remus' hand. His fingers curled in pain and he growled, trying not to scream out. He metal was searing hot. It not only broke his skin, but it started to melt the edges of skin it touched. The Auror was getting a sick sadistic pleaser of seeing Remus suffer.  
"What. Part. Did. You. Play. Wolf?" She asked again.  
"I didn't." He said though his teeth.  
"Liar." She hissed and put her cigarette out in his wound.

This went on for hours. Moody just stood there and let her torture the answers out of Remus. It was only when she drew her wand to perform the Cruciatus Curse that Moody stopped her.  
"Ok Trent... that's enough." He said. She put her wand away and left the interrogation room. Remus was trembling violently. His arms and hands covered in slashes from the silver knife.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck! It hurts! So FUCKING bad!_

He was trying to pull his arms back, out of the cuffs, but it was only making it worse.  
"W-why the h-hell did y-you l-let her d-do that?" Remus asked, panting from the pain.  
"Only way to make sure you were telling the truth. Someone as skilled as you can fight Veritaserum. But no matter how strong you are, you're always weak to silver." Moody unlocked his shackles and chains. Remus tucked his hands under his arms to stop the bleeding and doubled over in pain.

This had truly been the worst day of his life. After his mother and Father died, the Marauders where all he had left, now half of them where dead and one was in Azkaban for causing their deaths. He was truly alone for the first time in his life. No friends, no family, no one to love or love him back.

_He could have sworn he cough Sirius' eyes. He swore that he saw that grin he gave when they always flirted. There was no denying it, Sirius winked at him before being focused onto the boat.  
_

Where had it gone wrong? Where had his friend snapped? Was it because of that fight they had? That stupid fight and seemed to open Remus' eyes. He now saw that Sirius was hiding his own traitorous behavior by accusing Remus of being a spy.

_"You are a dark creature after all."_

Remus felt himself being lifted out of the chair. "Come on Lupin, I'll take you too my office and heal you up." Said the rough voice as he dragged Remus out of the cold room. The silver Ox kept the two Dementors away as they walked by. Moody sat Remus down in his office and gave him another cigarette and a bottle of potion. "It won't heal the wounds completely but it'll stop the bleeding." He said. Remus rubbed it on his hands and forearms before lighting his cigarette. His whole body was shaking, maybe from the pain, or the silver, or maybe just from grief, the werewolf couldn't tell.  
"I know you've been though a lot tonight, but—"  
"Oh for God Sakes Moody! What more could you possibly do to me? I've already been over dosed on Veritaserum and slashed by a silver blade!"  
"We have to inspect your flat."  
"Why the hell would you-"  
"We know Sirius lived with you."  
That twinge of pain tweaked in his chest again.

XxXxX

Remus sat on his couch as seven Aurors rummaged though his house. All he could do was watch as they went though all of his and Sirius' personal items. He was cuffed with his hands in the front with cigarettes and a lighter. Remus had smoked almost half a pack when Moody sat down next to him with a photo book he vaguely remembered Lily giving him for his birthday that year.  
"It's only been a half an hour. That's a lot of fags, even for you Lupin."  
"I know." Remus said and stabbed the rest of the cigarette onto the coffee table.  
"Here." Moody put the book on his lap. "I looked though it to see if I could find anything of Black's planning. Just a bunch of pictures. Got them before the others. You better be thanking me." He said. Remus cocked an eyebrow. He had looked though it before, he knew he had, but he forgot most of the pictures. The only ones he could remember were the graduation pictures and Lily and James' wedding picture. He opened it and flipped though the pages. He smiled softly at James' face smiling back at him. The book started at their first year in Hogwarts. It was filled with pictures of the Marauders, Hogsmeade trips, pictures after successful pranks, pictures of everyone visiting him in the hospital wing after a transformation, parties in the common room for Christmas, birthdays, Quidditch game wins, and . . .

_Oh God! _

There it was, staring him right in the face. The picture was halfway though the album, in the section under their seventh year. Lily had taken the picture and seemed to had found the need to put it in this book. Sirius had his arms around Remus' body, one hand on his upper back and one on the small of his back. Remus had one arm around Sirius' neck and the other was trying to block the camera. They were sharing a tender kiss at the graduation party. Remus' cheeks were pink, and desperately trying to push the camera away as he kissed his lover.

_Oh God, oh God! Damn it Lily!  
_

He could feel the blood rush to his face as he closed the book quickly.  
"I ain't gonna judge. Personally I don't give a shit if you're a ponce." Moody huffed. He muttered something that suspiciously sounded like _'always suspected you were one'_  
"Obviously you don't want it to be known so I won't tell."  
"Thank you Moody..." Remus said, clutching the scrap book to his chest.  
"This is harder on you then I though then."  
"You have no idea..."

Moody got up to talk to the Auror that had tortured him, Trent. She had a bag sling around her shoulders for carrying potions and other magical items.  
"I don't know why you made me make this." She growled at Moody, while pushing a bottle of potion into his hands. "Why should I care if that monster kills himself? One less dark creature I say."  
"Oh Shut your damn mouth Trent." Moody said and limped back over to Remus.  
"Here, its gonna be a rough month." He handed Remus the potion. Remus opened the top and looked inside. It gave off a soft blue fog.  
"Wolfsbane?"  
"Yep, It'll help."  
"Thank you. You've been to kind to me."  
"You've gone though hell and back today. You are a member of the Order and we just lost four all in one night. Can't risk losing another."  
Moody stood next to Remus and oversaw as the Aurors still ripped apart the flat.  
"So... who's that Trent girl?" Remus asked as he eyed her across the room.  
"Jezebel Trent." He said. "Surprised you don't remember her. She graduated with you. She was in Slytherin of course. Loathed Potter with a passion."  
"Ah... I knew I recognized her..."

Trent walked out of his and Sirius room.  
"Didn't find anything that could link him to The Dark Lord, but I found these." A smirked formed on her face as she held up a pair of handcuffs. Moody's blue eye swirled around then fixed itself on Remus. His face turn scarlet and he looked down. Trent chuckled and set the handcuffs on the coffee table before she turned around to continue searching. Moody just gave Remus a look.  
"Sirius' idea..."


	2. Moments I Choose to Remember

**Note: This Chapter is honestly like those flash back episodes everyone dreads. Lol it was fun to write, don't know how much fun it is to read. I hope you enjoy it nevertheless ^^; (Also I'm sorry about how closely spaced it is, the editor is being stupid =.=)**

**Disclaimer: If I owned them, Remus would have died with more dignity.**

**

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One Man Wolf Pack  
Chapter Two:  
Moments I Choose to Remember.

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"Please, is there anything I can do to see him? Just for a moment?"  
"I'm sorry Remus, but he is begging kept from magic until his eleventh birthday." The old wizard said.  
"Please! He's all of James and Lily I have left."  
"I'm sorry Remus." Dumbledore said again.  
Remus rested his head on the Headmaster's desk and sighed. All the eyes of former Headmasters and mistresses were watching him closely. He closed his eyes and tried to relax as much as he could. He had just broken a fever this morning and still felt sickly. After his ordeal last week, he had been very run down and his affliction wasn't making anything better. He let his mind drifted back to his days at Hogwarts. James hanging Snape upside-down by his feet, making his burp up slugs... yep, it would have been just another Tuesday. But it wasn't... was it?  
"You look exhausted. You should go home and lie down. If I'm not mistaken, the full moon is tomorrow." Dumbledore said as he looked out the window at the setting sun.  
"Please Dumbledore. I'm begging you. Please let me see him." Remus sat up, pleading.  
"Maybe one day, but not anytime soon."

"Why couldn't he have stayed?" Remus banged on the old wooden desk with his fist. "What can muggels do for him that we can't? They don't even have magic to protect themselves!"  
"Though Petunia's blood, Harry is protected by the sacrifice Lily made for him..."  
Dumbledore went on about some ancient love spell that Remus half tuned out.

_...sacrifice Lily made for him...  
_

Those words rang in his ears. Those words further confirmed that this had not been a bad dream, it was real. He had never wanted to strangle an infant so much as he did so now. If only he hadn't been born in late July. Only if Lily and James shagged in November instead of October. Maybe, then just maybe everything would still be normal.

"Fine." Remus admitted defeat, unaware that he had cut off the Headmaster in mid sentence. "If I can't see Harry... let me see Sirius..."

Dumbledore's blue eyes sparkled as he smiled at the request.  
"Of course. I shall arrange an escort for you to Azkaban." He sat down and began to write on a piece of parchment. Remus was stunned that he just went along with it.  
"You're not even going to ask why?"  
"Nothing, Remus, not even betrayal and dementors can keep true love apart." He smiled. Remus felt the blood rush to his face.  
"Bloody Hell, how many people know?" he ran his distressed hand through his hair.  
"You weren't what you'd call discrete about it in your time at school." He chuckled. "That incident in Potions in your fifth year ran like wildfire throughout the castle." He finished up the letter, tied it to Fawkes and let him out the window.

XxXxX

It was about six in the morning when Remus boarded the boat to Azkaban. He was still walking on a limp. Moody was right, even with the wolfsbane, the wolf had been hard to control this month. From what he could remember, it had beaten Remus senseless and broken a rib, his leg and his wrist. He was surprised he was up and walking.  
"We're going to have to take you're wand." One of the guards – Daniel Greene his nametag read- said. "You may conjure a patronus if you wish."  
Remus nodded. He took out his wand, gave it a quick wave, and conjuring up a silver hawk before hanging over his wand. His patronus stayed flawless thanks to his wand less magic skills. It perched on his shoulder and rubbed its face to Remus' cheek.

"_Remus! Oi! Mate! Come back!" James, Sirius and Peter chased Remus down the corridors and out into the back of the castle. James, who was the fastest of the three, cough up with Remus on advantage that Remus' leg hurt terribly from last nights transformation. James wrapped his arms around Remus' chest. He fought the hold and tried to run away.  
"Remus, calm down." James said softly.  
"Let me go!"  
"Please Rem. Relax."  
"NO!"  
"Remus... we don't care if you were a pixie! You're still Remus." Peter said, between breaths.  
"I'm a monster." Remus breathed. "A discussing, lowly, half-breed monster."  
"Hey!" Sirius took his face into his hands. His cold hands felt soothing on his hot skin. He made Remus look into his gray eyes, his own amber eyes tearing. "I don't want you to _ever_ say that again." He said softly, but forcibly. His hands were trembling but his voice was quite steady. "You're our best friend Rem. We love and accept you for everything you are. And you're sure as hell not a monster. I'm more of a monster then you. You're the most gentle, kindest person I know. You wouldn't hurt a fly. I know you're not going to hurt any of us. Like Peter said, we don't care that you're a werewolf, you're still Remus."  
It was then that Sirius did something he'd never done in his life. He pulled Remus out of James' arms and embraced him. Remus' blood ran warm as he hugged him back. He clutched onto the back of his robes and let out his relief and happiness in the form of tears.  
_

"We're here Mr. Lupin." Daniel said, breaking Remus out of his happy memory the patronus has provided.  
"Oh, yes... thank you." He said politely and carefully stepped off the boat.

Cold droplets of water hit him as the waves crashed on the rock built around the island. The prison itself was, if looked at from an aerial view, a hallowed out triangle. It was a depressing gray and the walls looked a bit rundown. But it's not like the walls were significant. Remus knew all too well what people in Azkaban suffered. The bars were just a formality.

The guard escorted him into Azkaban. Even with his patronus, the cold still penetrated him. Thousands of dementors were around them, sucking the happiness from all the prisoners. It seemed they had a special section for Death Eaters because as they walked down one corridor, he recognized all the Death Eaters that had been captured in the past few days. There had been more dementors there than any were else.  
"Here he is, Sirius Black." Daniel said as they came up to a cell.

He still looked as handsome as ever. The dementors didn't seem to affect him in the least bit. They tried, but they couldn't suck any happiness from him.

_Maybe that's because he has no soul the bastard._

"Black, you have a visitor." Daniel said. Sirius lifted his head and looked towards the bars that held him in. His gray eyes seemed lifeless. His body may have not shown signs of the dementors effect, but his eyes certainly had. So many emotions ran though the werewolf. Loathing was defiantly one of them. Fury, pain, and he hated to admit it but, love. He still loved the dirty bastard. Dumbledore was right, like he always was. But no way was he ever going to forgive him, he knew that. Nothing he could say could make him feel the same way. He loved him but he really didn't like him right now.

Sirius got up and walked as close as he could to the bars, since he had been held back by chains. He was dressed in striped gray, scruffy prisoner robes. He reached out his hand to touch Remus' cheek, but Remus slapped it away.  
"Don't touch me..."  
"Moony..." he said softly.  
"You have the damn audacity to call me that?" Remus growled. He contained his anger as well as he could. He had to remind himself where he was and that he was in mixed company.  
"P-Please Remus... Listen to me!" he sounded on the verge of tears. Azkaban was certainly not where a twenty-one year old wants to be. Remus could sense his fear but he didn't care. He was glad he was scared and in pain. He was getting what he deserved.  
"No, I'm not going to listen to another word you say Sirius. You're a filthy liar and that's all you'll ever be."  
"I wasn't lying-!"  
"Bullshit! Everything you've ever told me was a lie huh? How you where loyal to Dumbledore and the Order, How James was you're brother and you wouldn't betray him, How you said you lo-..." Remus couldn't finish his sentence; he just started into those vacant eyes.  
"I meant what I said Remus! I swear! Just listen. Please." Remus gave Sirius a look. He stopped talking and let him argue. Again, Sirius reached for Remus' face. Daniel got ready his wand. "Its fine," Remus reassured him and made him lower his wand. For old time's sake, he let him caress his face with his freezing, trembling hands. Sirius' eyes showed a pure _need _for him. As a reflex, Remus put his hand over Sirius' holding it to his face. Sirius thumb rubbed Remus' bottom lip in a longing way. He closed his eyes and let the patronus fill him with a happy memory once again.

"_It's freezing balls up here." Sirius said as he sat down next to Remus. Remus had nothing but thin pajamas on. He was curled up, knees to chest, shivering and looking out towards the Forbidden Forest. "For a house prefect, you sure break the rules a lot." He took off his robe and draped it over his friend. Remus kept his eyes fixated on the ocean of tree..  
"What's wrong Moony?"  
"I can't stand staying indoors anymore Padfoot... I just want to run away and get out of this fucking rut. Go out in the wild. Get rid of his damn itch I can't seem to scratch."  
"Maybe you need a back scratcher."  
"I'm Serious."  
"No, I'm Sirius, you're Remus." He gave that stupid smile Remus hated so much. He suppressed the urge to punch him in his gorgeous face. Sometimes he just didn't know when to stop. Remus, of course, not amused shot him a glair out the side of his eyes. The way the moonlight hit his eye, made a shiver go down Sirius' back.  
"Ok, sorry." He muttered and looked away. There was a silence. Not awkward at all. Just... silence.  
"Ya know..." Sirius finally spoke "...if you ran away, I'd miss you."  
Remus looked at him, expression changed from angry to gobsmacked. It was the way he said it really. Kind of like... a puppy, pleading for someone not to go. "I'd miss you a lot..." He looked at Remus with those big gray eyes. Without so much as a warning, Sirius grabbed Remus' face and slammed his lips against his. His first thought was to pull away, but he couldn't, his body wouldn't allow it. He had kissed Sirius before, in pent up sexually frustration or a quick peck on the lips that Sirius used to show gratitude (they didn't think much of it), but this, this was so much different. Something in the way he kissed just made him melt. Remus grabbed Sirius by the collar of his shirt and pulled him on top of himself. The kiss quickly got heated as Sirius bit and pulled on Remus' bottom lip, pulling his lips apart to gain better access to his mouth. It was obvious both of them had been holding back for a long time; or at least Remus knew he had been. Both of their hearts pumping faster as more skin began to reveal itself, Remus' hands searching for warmth under Sirius shirt, Limbs and tongues tangled together, Sirius gasping lustfully in his ear as he gently pulled Sirius long black hair.  
"Oh God Remus..." _

"Just spit it out already..." Remus said, sadly coming back to the reality that the boy who kissed him so intensely on the Astronomy Tower was now behind bars.  
"I-It was Peter! He did it! Not me! He was the Secret-Keeper!"  
"Shut the fuck up!" He growled as he ripped Sirius' hand away from his face. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You kill a man then accurse him of something like this?" He felt disgusting for even letting Sirius touch him like that. He felt in a way he too were betraying James, Lily and Peter. He felt something beyond anger fill his chest.  
"I didn't kill him-!"  
"Goodbye Sirius." Remus walked away and Daniel followed. He deeply regretted coming to see him. He wanted closure but all he got was more lies spit at him.  
"NO! PLEASE! REMUS!" He herd Sirius' voice scream. As Remus walked down the hall, torches and lose objects began to fly. Remus was usually excellent at controlling his magic in a rage but he was livid at this moment.

XxXxX

It took a fag and a shot of Firewhiskey for Daniel to calm him down. He saw something in Remus' eyes, something that classified him as dangerous. He had many years of experience with crazy people (he was an Azkaban Guard after all), so he knew how to calm one.  
"So, you knew the Potters huh?"  
"Yeah..." Remus sighed, taking another drag of his cigarette.  
"I'm not saying things will get better... but they will get easer... My brother-in-law was a Death Eater." He didn't know why he was telling Remus this, or if Remus gave a shit or not, but he felt he had too. He saw how the two boys looked at each other. You had to be a complete ignoramus to not see what they had. "It's a shock to find someone that close to you worked for you-know-who." Daniel shook his head, not knowing if with was helping or hurting. "But I will tell you Mr. Lupin. Wounds heal. Slowly but surely."

Remus just nodded and ran his fingers though his hair. His hawk was still there with him. It looked as if it was trying to comfort him.  
"Hell of a patronus." Daniel said. "Strong one too. _I _even felt it when we were inside."  
"Thank you. It was my fathers. Beautiful, isn't it?" He stroked the bird's head and it returned the favor by rubbing his face to his cheek.

_Remus stuck his head out of the car, trying to down out his father's terrible music. _

Why can't he be like normal parent and listen to their kid's music to try to be younger?_  
"Remus." He herd his name being called over the roaring sound of the wind. He pulled his head back in and closed the window. John Lupin kept his eyes on the road. Not surprising. John avoided eye contact with Remus since the incident. He learned to live with his father's cold disposition. He never got so much as a hug from him anymore. He was glade he was going to Hogwarts, to be away from him.  
"Yeah dad?"  
"You know I love you right?"  
Remus lifted an eye brow. What was he trying to pull? Of course John didn't love Remus anymore. He hardly looked at him and didn't touch him. He was obviously disgusted with his son. Remus' mother had did her best to heal him after each transformation, being a muggle and all.  
"Yeah." Remus said.  
"I'm sorry if I've ever given you a reason to make you believe other wise." John took one hand and placed it on Remus' shoulder. His amber eyes widened. John was touching him! After five years!  
"I do love you son, and I'm sorry for being so cold... I'm not one for expressing myself."  
"I-Its ok dad..." Remus rested his hand on his fathers. They stayed like that until they got to King's Cross. It might have been a small touch but it meant the world to Remus. _

The boat came to a stop, and once again, Remus fell out of the memory. Daniel seemed to notice his unresponsiveness and went to go talk with another guard. He rubbed the back of his neck, which seemed to be stinging slightly, and let his mind fall back on the other two patronus induced daydreams.

Whatever it was, he though, whatever feelings he had towards Sirius, he knew he had to let them go. He was only torturing himself. It was only a matter of time before he broke. He knew he had to forget him. Forget all those sweet kisses and those subtle touches under the dinner table. Forget everything Sirius did and the way he did it. Wipe him clear out of his mind, even if it meant not conjuring a patronus ever again.


	3. The Mark

**I don't like this chapter at all. It was rushed so much. Next chapter will be better! Promise! Please tell me if Trent is a Mary Sue bint. Enjoy, I hope?**

**Disclaimer: If I owned HP, RLSB would have so been canon.**

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One Man Wolf Pack  
Chapter Three:  
The Mark

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What else could possibly go wrong? When you hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up, right? Well, this was not the case with Remus John Lupin. The worst few months in his life just kept getting worse. It had been a struggle since November, mentally, physically and financially. He was trying to pay the bills on his flat, all while looking for a new one (He just couldn't stay in his old one anymore). It had been a lonely Christmas and New Years, the first time he actually didn't celebrate, unless, of course, you count getting shitfaced and passing out as celebrating. He had gone to Godric Hallows on Christmas Day and ended up yelling at James and Lily's grave, saying they should have made him Secret-Keeper. At least then they would have been safe. Remus was ready to die for James, Lily and Harry, anything to keep his family safe.

It was now dawning on March and a birthday he would not celebrate. What was there to celebrate anyway? All Remus had to look forward to was going to work. He worked with muggles so he wasn't discriminated against. It took his mind off of things for six hours at least.

"Well, look who decided to show up." A man with a heavy Irish accent greeted him as he walked in. He was sitting behind a ruddy little counter surrounded by car parts and various tools. The place smelt of oil and hot metal.  
"How are you today Connor?"  
"Good, Good, Haven't seen you in a while though. Almost a week!"  
"I know... I have a lot on my plate at the moment." Remus walked though the door that lead to the back of the shop. Remus walked into his dinky office and put his stuff down. He pulled out the payment logs and caught up on what happened during the week.  
"Gods, I'm gone one week and these monkeys can't keep the balance steady." He sat down and went to work balancing the checkbook and managing the money. His work required a good understanding of muggle math and money. These were the moments Remus was glad his mother was a muggle.

He worked through the sounds of revving car and motorcycle engines. I wasn't too difficult for him. He was accustom to sounds of a motorcycle. He used to be able sleep though the sound, but now, it just made his heart race.

The palpitations came a lot more often then not. They lead into migrants which led into anxiety attacks. Before it could get that server, he pulled out a small bottle of potion and drank it. As soon as the warm, orange liquid went down, the pounding in his chest began to clam down. He was sure that if he didn't have that Calming Draught, he would have had a heart attack by now. But there was a down side to the draught, it clamed him too much some times, letting his mind run wild.

_He remembered the rush of adrenalin as he held on tight to __**his**__ waist, watching the houses and muggle's below, oblivious to what was above them. He could feel the cool leather beneath his hands as if he was holding onto __**his**__ jacket. _

He tried to focus on the sound of his pencil scratching the paper and nothing else. The day dreams were killing him almost as much as his night dreams had. Sometimes he would day dream for hours. It was pathetic really, so only be fueled on the memories of Sir-

No, he mustn't think his name... Memories of _Him._ Yes, that was much better. No name.

"Lupin."

He looked up to see the dark haired Irishmen at his door. He thanked him in his mind.  
"Yes Connor?"

"Mr. Taylor wants to see you."  
"Right now?"  
"Ay."  
Remus sighed deeply and out up. He had a feeling, and it wasn't a good one.

He walked into the office of Jackson Taylor. He was a broad shouldered guy, olive colored skin and light brown. He was whipping motor oil off his big hands as he stared Remus down with his perching black eyes.

"You've been out a lot..." He said softly. It was in that disappointing tone, the one a teacher would use to make a child feel guilty. It was always worst then getting angry. It almost made Remus cringe.  
"Well as you know I have been having personal issues."  
"Yes and I understand, but I think I gave you enough grieving time Lupin. I understand a loss like that is tragic but it's been five months. I'm not saying you have to get over it but you have to come back to life."  
"You're right . . ."

_You selfish bastard, I'll go and kill you're whole family and see how you react? Won't be so happy to work then huh?_

"You're going to have to make up the missed time."  
Remus' eyes widened slightly. "By making it up you mean?"  
"Yes, you have to work your normal days off. The three I give you every month."  
Remus just stood there. Was it really worth it? Risking not only exposing himself, but hurting everyone here by uncontrolled rage?  
"What's it going to be Lupin? Either you work those three days or you're out of here."  
Remus' eyes shifted to the tiled floor.

xXxXx

He didn't even bother turning on the light as he walked into the flat. It was still light out so he didn't really need it. He went straight for his room. Sitting on the nightstand was that wonderful purple liquid that gave him refuge from his thoughts every night. The square shaped bottle welcomed him warmly as if it was smiling at him. His blood ran warm just thinking about drinking it. He had been looking forward to it.

He'd been on it for about two months now. A good portion of his pay check had gone to it. The ingredients weren't cheep. But, He deemed it a more sane coping method rather then drinking and smoking, so it was worth it.

He picked up the potion bottle and uncapped it. He sat down on the edge of the bed and took a few swigs. The tasted was almost as sweet as the effect it brought. He put the cap back on and replaced it on the table before the drowsiness began overcome him.

All he remembered was lying down, the rest: sweet darkness. He didn't have to think about anything or anyone. Not about Prongs, not about Wormtail, Lily or Padfoot. He didn't have to think about how Harry was miles away with some muggles he didn't know. He didn't have to think of how he had just walked out on his job and he had no source of income. All he had to do was lay still and breathe, nothing more, nothing less.

XxXxX

The next morning Remus just stared at the light gray ceiling, still unable to believe he slept for almost twenty-four hours. His body wanted to get up and get ready for work, which was until his brain reminded him he didn't have a job anymore. He just starred up into the ceiling. _What's the point?_ He though, Why should he even get up and keep trying? Why?

But then one word passed his mind. _Harry_... Harry was still alive. He was still out there. He still needed him (or at least that's what he liked to tell himself.) One day Harry would go to Hogwarts and he'd be able to see him again. His messy black hair, like James and his emerald green eyes, like Lily. The thought motivated him. He finally got up and started to get ready to find another job.

He took a quick hot shower and got dressed in nice muggle clothes. As he was tying his hair back with a red ribbon, he herd a _crack_ come from the living area. He grabbed his wand from his jacket and slowly walked out of the room.

There was a youthful looking women sitting on his coffee table, legs crossed. She was looking through his mail like it was her own house. Her dark violet eyes scanned the letters and when she didn't see anything of interest; she let them slip to the floor. Her scraggly black hair was pulled up by a clip and was hanging slightly in her face. She was wearing black and green robes with a brown dragon hide bag slug across her shoulder. On the left side of her robe, she had the cress of the Ministry of Magic.

He slumped his shoulders when he realized who it was.

"What are you doing in my home Trent?"  
Trent looked up from the parchment and gave him a cocky smile.  
"Other than to criticize your lack of security? I apparated right in ya' know."

"I find it unnecessary for all those charms anymore. The war is over." Remus put his wand back into his jacket, seeing that she was harmless.  
"The war is never over my dear Lupin."  
"Moody's got you paranoid huh?" He leaned on the door frame, getting comfortable for what seemed like was going to be a long conversation.  
"I'm not _paranoid_!" She hissed. "I'm cautious. There are still Death Eaters and—"  
"Alright, alright, what are you here for?"  
She turned back on her arrogant smile and said "You don't read your post, do you?"

_Merlin, she's like a female version of a younger James..._

"Not recently."  
She held up a roll of parchment that was sitting on the coffee table next to her. It had the Ministry's seal on it. She opened it up and began to read.

"In Order of Decree Number Three-Hundred-and-Fifty-Two, under the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, Beast Division: All werewolves are required to get a mark of identification. Since they are the only dangerous creatures that are mistaken for humans (for the only show there true self under the full moon) this will help wizards distinguish a real wizard and the creatures that so commonly portray them.

Werewolves are to report to Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures on the first of March for marking. All Werewolves who fail to show will be brought to the Department. For all who resist, depending on the severity of their offence, the punishment will range from imprisonment in Azkaban to euthanasia." She turned the Parchment so Remus could read it for himself.  
"Singed by the Department head and the Minster of Magic himself."

Remus read through the letter and it was there, word for word what she said.  
"And I also got this." She pulled out another Ministry sealed parchment and handed it to him.  
"This is a warrant for me." He said reading it.  
"Yep, got it a few minutes ago actually. As an auror, it's my duty to bring you in. Peacefully or Forcedly is your choice."  
"I guess I'll go peacefully." He said, sitting the two documents on the coffee table. "Not worth risking more silver poisoning."

"Oh come off it, the blade wasn't even pure silver." She got up and with all disregard to personal space, reached in his coat and grabbed his wand. "Regulation's Love." She put the wand in her dragon skin bag and offered her arm. "Hold on tight." As soon as he grabbed onto her arm, he felt the suffocation of apparition.

xXxXx

By the time he caught his balance and his brain processed his location, Trent was already at the front desk, checking in his wand. When he got up there, she pinned a visitors badge on him.  
"Alright, take this and go to the forth floor; A healer should be there and they'll take care of you. I have to go back to my office and do a report on this." She handed him a piece of paper. All it had on it was a large red X. Remus didn't ask questions; he just went to the elevator and went up to the forth floor: The Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures.

At once, he was bombarded by a healer from St. Mungo's. She was wearing white robes with the healer's embroidery: a wand and a bone crossed. She escorted him to a waiting room of some sort. Next to him was a woman with a child on her lap. They both had the same thin blond hair, the mother had soft green eyes but the child had golden eyes. She was hugging a stuffed rabbit tight to her chest. The skin on the right side of her neck looked red and sensitive. She had one long scar going from the right side of her forehead to under her left eye. Her eyes were puffy and she looks scared. She couldn't have been more then six years old.  
"It's alright Love." The mother whispered. "It's going to be ok..." The little girl stared at Remus, like she had seen him before. "It's not polite to stair Rose."  
"But mummy, he's like me."  
The mother froze and looked at Remus. They caught each others eyes but Remus quickly looked away.  
"Are you a...?"  
Remus looked back up at the Women. Her face looked aged but she didn't seem a year over thirty. By the looks of her situation, stress had been her ager.  
"Are you here for the mark?" She asked softly. Remus nodded his head. He didn't know what to say. He knew what they were there for. The little girl – Rose – had said it herself.  
_"He's like me."_

A monster.

Remus would much rather have ended this uncomfortable conversation but the mother pressed on.  
"So how long have you...?" She asked softly.  
"Since I was six... fifteen years..." Remus said. The words sank in deep. It seemed all too unreal... fifteen years...

"I-Is it painful...? the transformations I mean..." She asked. She didn't look directly at Remus.  
"Yes, very painful..." He sighed. Rose clutched on tighter to the rabbit and dug her face into her mother's shoulder. The women once again tried to calm her down as she shook in fear. "It does get better though. Having a lot of friends and family helps. And of course the right potions and spells."  
"Of course." He women said. "The healers helped me with all that."

Remus just nodded awkwardly. Rose peered out and looked at Remus.

"Your eyes are amber too..." She smiled softly. He couldn't help but smile back. His heart broke for this child. She was so young... looked so fragile and she had to hold the burden of this curse.  
"What colour were they before?" She asked.  
"Blue."

She tilted her head to the side, trying to image Remus' eyes blue.  
"That must have been really pretty."

Before he could respond, a healer called her. Her mother into the other room, most likely to settle paperwork and such. Rose sat on the chair and looked at him.  
"What's your name?" Her voice was sweet innocent and filled with natural curiosity.  
"Remus..."  
"Remus." She repeated. "That's a nice name. I'm Rose!" He just smiled knowingly. He was honestly astonished that this little girl could be smiling. She could sit there and give a heart felt smile with that nasty scar on her face. Maybe she didn't know why she was there.

His eye twitched another head ache started. He pushed down on his temples to release the tension.  
"Are you ok?" she asked. "Are you scared?" she reached up and took his hand off his temple and held it. "I know it's scary but mummy always said when you do scary things, it's like ripping off a plaster, you gotta do it fast. When I rip off my plasters I always have mummy holding my hand. It makes me feel better. To be turthly, I'm scared too." She squeezed his scared hand. "But my mummy will hold my hand. And I'll hold your hand too if you want."

Remus bit his lip and tired not to get emotional. This little girl who didn't even know him wanted to help. Maybe because she knew they where alike, both monsters, forever alone in this cruel unforgiving world.  
"Rose! Come here sweetie."  
"Coming Mummy!" She called. She turned back to Remus. "It's going to be ok Mr. Remus. You can't have dark without the light." She sat higher up on the chair and kissed Remus on the cheek. She got down with her bunny and walked into the room. He sat back and relaxed as he watched the little girl disappear behind the closing door.

_You can't have dark without the light. _

Remus let his tears flow as he pressed at his temples again. Nothing but Rose's painful shrieks and sobs filled the waiting room.


	4. Pain Killers

**So I promise this one was going to be better. I may have lied. Some parts I like, some I don't, but hey, I don't think any writer truly absolutely loves what they write. It's up to you if I kept my promise or not. But I am happy I got to work a tiny bit with my second HP OTP w. Hope you enjoy! R&R.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned it: Prequels, prequels everywhere. **

**

* * *

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One Man Wolf Pack  
Chapter Four:  
Pain Killers

* * *

Pain. It radiated though his body; the same way it did every time silver came in contact with his flesh. It was the type of pain that triggered nausea. His skin melted inward as the shiny scalpel tore a line in his wrist. The scalpel then started a new line, crossing with the previous one. Slower and slower; the next second more painful then the last.

He curled his fingers and toes to try to ease the pain. He held in his tears; He didn't want them to see that he was weak. If they wanted to looked at him as an emotionless monster, an animal that they could just brand, well, that's what he was going to give them.

The healer holding his arm down tried to calm him as another cleaned the blood oozing from the new X shaped wound. A red hot metal plate sealed the mark, assuring that it will stay branded into the soft skin of his right wrist. When remove his wrist was bright red except for the X, which was black.

One of the healers went ease the pain by giving him this golden translucent potion. Remus smacked the glass out of her hand causing to shatter on the floor.

_The wolf is not happy..._

"I'm fine thank you." He said wiping away the moister building up in the corner of his eye. Before anyone else got a word in, Remus stormed out.

He was so set on getting out of the Ministry, it wasn't until he reached the ground floor that he started to feel abnormally cold. He ignored the cool sweat running down his face. He wasn't going to show any weakness. He went to the wand check out desk to get his wand back.

"Sign here." The witch handed him a piece of parchment and a quill. He looked down then blinked a few times to make sure he was seeing right. All the words were fuzzy and moving slowly across the page. He tried to put the tip of the quill on the paper but his quivering arm prevented him from setting it on the line. He took a deep breath and patted his coat pocket with his left hand. He ran his fingers though his now sweat soaked hair in frustration.

_shit..._

Trent had come to get him so fast that he didn't have time to pick of his vile of Calming Draught. The air around him started to feel thick. He began to draw in deeper and longer breaths. All the noises around him started to sound distorted to accompany his swirling vision. He felt himself fall very slowly.

After ten minutes of falling, he felt his back hit something. The floor he presumed. He lied on the floor for what felt like hours, sweating and shivering. People were probably staring, not wanting to help, too scared because of the mark on his burnt, blood stained hand. He didn't struggle against the fact that his lugs where closed shut and he didn't mind that everything was turning black. He just lied there and accepted what ever was happening. Death hopefully.

He was grabbed and pulled up, slowly but violently. He felt presser on the back of his head as if something was pulling at his hair. Hot liquid was pored into his mouth. As it went down his throat, his lugs opened up. He put his head down and began to cough violently. He felt the potion come back up esophagus. He tried to keep it down but there was nothing will power could do for him. His hair was grabbed and his head was pulled to the side. He convulsed a bit before he began to vomit. Vision and hearing came back to him slowly with each convulse and each regurgitation.

His breathed evened out. He found himself with his back against the Wand Check Out desk. A healer was beside him checking his pulse. He whipped his mouth and look at his hand. His vomit was red with a shiny tint.

"What's this?" he asked. His voice was barley a whisper.

"Mix of blood and silver." The healer said. "You're Lucky Mr. Lupin. Good thing we had Silver antidote on hand."

A clear laugh rang though the large room. Trent, who was standing on the other side of him, crouched down eye level to Remus. He concluded it was her who shoved the antidote down his throat and pulled at his hair.

"I've come to the conclusion you're either extremely stupid or suicidal." She said.

"And I've come to the conclusion I died long ago, this is my personal hell and you are my personal Satan." He snarled in a raspy voice. She lightly patted him on the cheek.

"October wasn't that long ago love." She got up and walked away, her boots clicking in the dead silence. He bit the inside of his cheek to keep from lashing out on her.

_One day... he thought. She is going to push me and the wolf and I'm not going to be responsible for my actions..._

XxXxX

_No, no, no... this CANNOT be happening!_

Remus pulled things out of the cabinets, searching in vain.

"No, it can't be. I couldn't have..." he muttered to himself. The pain in his wrist had radiated up his arm, into his shoulder and all across his back. All he wanted was to take some potion for the pain and chase it down with Dreamless Sleep, maybe a few sips of Calming Draught too. Why not? But no... The bottles were dry and the shelves empty. His shaking hands searched every inch of the flat, even under the bed where Sir- He kept the potions for after Remus' transformations. Nothing. He had already taken all the potions there. He quickly went into his nightstand draw all pulled out his pack of cigarettes. He lit it and slowly inhaled the toxic smoke.

Again, his attempts were in vain. Even after his forth cigarette, he was still shaking and sweating. This was worse then any nicotine fit he's ever had. He started to pace while he smoked.

"I have to get a job..." his heart pounded heavily against his chest. "I need to get ingredients. I can't sleep without that damn potion. And if I don't get anymore Calming Draught I might just have a bloody heart attack." He ran his fingers through his hair. Half way he stopped and put his hand to his side. He realized he had been miming James... What other things has he been doing subconsciously? He looked around to see. He saw that the plate he set up for himself (although he had no intention of eating) was set up as if Lily set it up.

"October wasn't that long ago love..."

An involuntary growl rumbled in his chest. He flipped the table over, releasing some of his anxiety and rage. He had to do something to calm himself or he really was going to have a heart attack. He paced faster then before and started to think. He needed to go somewhere. He turned on his heal and muttered two words. "Three Broomsticks."

xXxXx

After a few dark and suffocating seconds, Remus found himself in Hogsmeade, right in front of The Three Broomsticks. It was a weekday so it was quite calm inside.

"Well, well, well!" The barmaid put her hands on her curvy hips and smiled wide. "If it isn't Remus Lupin! Why, I haven't seen you since you Graduated Hogwarts."

Remus smiled politely

"Good evening Madam Rosmerta. It's good to see you again." He took a seat at the bar and relaxed a bit. Rosmerta's presence was always calming. She was a charming, beautiful older women, extremely like able. Everyone in Hogwarts and Hogsmeade liked her. You'd be crazy not to.

"How've you been deary?"

He chuckled to hide his dismay and smiled morbidly.

"I feel like I've been ran over by the Hogwarts Express."

"I figured." She leaned over the bar and patted his shoulder. "After all the hell you've been through." She went behind the counter, waved her wand and fixed up a nice plate of hot food and a cup of Firewhiskey. "Here Love, on the house."

"I-I couldn't..." Remus pushed, pushing the food away.

"Think of it as a birthday gift." She said pushing it back. He looked over her shoulder to the calendar on the bar wall and sure enough: March 10th.

"You remembered..."

"How can I forget? Every year you four taking over my pub to celebrate."

"That was mostly James. He never forgot a birthday and never made you forget them either."

"And Black. Wild that bo-" She stopped in remembrance. She knew of course, How could she not? They both got drunk at James' stag party and Sirius gets very touchy when he's drunk. Remus bit the inside of his cheek and nodded.

"Yes... him too..."

"Eat up before it gets cold." She said, gracefully changing the subject. "You look like you could use a good meal."

"Thank you, Rosmerta..."

"No Problem." She turned to attend to others at the bar. Remus just moved the food around with his fork. He hadn't really felt hunger in months. He ate because he had to. He took a few small, slow bites before his stomach started to tighten up like it always did.

"Hello Headmaster!" Rosmerta said. Remus looked up to see kind blue eyes and the long white beard of the old wizard. He acknowledged Remus with a smile.

"Dumbledore, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be up at the castle?"

"Oh I think Minerva can look after the students while I go out for a nice glass of Brandy." He sat next to Remus and gave Rosmerta a wink. She smiled back and started to prepare a glass for him.

"It would be rather foolish to ask you how you are." Dumbledore said as he accepted the glass from the barmaid.

"You're right, it would be." Remus sighed. "Very foolish indeed."

"I know it must be hard-"

"Hard?" The Idea was laughable. "I wish it was hard then maybe I'd have a chance of getting though this. But this..." Remus put his face into his cool glass of Firewhiskey. "This is unbearable. The emotional and physical pain. I can't do this Dumbledore..." Tears slowly ran down his face, dripped off his nose and into his glass. "I can't do this alone anymore... All of them are gone. James, Lily, Peter. All dead..." Saying out loud felt so surreal. If it were a few mounts ago he would be blinking, trying to wake up from this hellish nightmare, but he knew better now. He knew this was real. The pain confirmed it.

"Is that all that's bothering you?" The wizard asked. Remus looked up at him with disbelief and confusion.

"Of course it is. What else could possibly be bothering me?"

"Sirius perhaps?"

His stomach turned and he resisted the urge to throw up.

_He just had to bring him up. . ._

He quickly shot the rest of his firewhiskey down his throat and winced at the burning.

"What on earth would make you say that? I hate that bastard and hope he rots in Azkaban."

"Do you really?"

Remus clutched his teeth.

"I much rather not talk about this here."

"Alright, then we shall finish his discussion back at the castle." It wasn't a polite suggestion, it was a command.

He clutched at his empty cup.

"Yes Headmaster..."

After a few more bites of Remus' food and the rest of Dumbledore's brandy, they headed up to the Castle. Remus wasn't all that surprised at how winded he got. He was in pain after all. Only if he could just get his hands on that damn pain relieving potion...

xXxXx

"Now Remus, is that how you really feel?" The old headmaster asked, taking his seat behind his desk. Remus didn't sit. Instead he paced the room as he did earlier. Yes, he was in pain but the anxiety didn't allow him to sit still for too long.

Just like last time, all the past Headmaster's and Headmistress' eyes were on him and Dumbledore. They watched intently to the werewolf's every move. Remus did his best to ignore them.

"Yes! You don't understand how... how betrayed I feel Dumbledore."

"Ah Betrayal. I too have felt its heart blackening grip."

Remus rolled his eyes. "You don't get it. I'm not talking about being betrayed by a friend. Sirius was... Sirius was my... my lover..." he cringed as the painful words came out. Just the name burned. "When someone you love like that betrays you..."

"It hurts more then anything. You'd rather suffer a hundred intervals of the Cruciatus Curse."

Remus clutched his fist, digging his nails into his palm. (Clutching things seemed to ease the pain a bit) That statement was absolutely the truth.

"Don't try to sympathize with me Dumbledore! You have no clue what it's like! Grindelwald was your best friend, not your lover."

"Oh really?" he asked. Remus' eye brows rose. Dumbledore had that mischievous twinkle in his eye. He stared out of the window in remembrance.

"Gellert Grindelwald was – and always will be – my first and only love." He said softly. Remus' eyes widened. He knew that they were very close friends but this was new to him. In shock Remus found his seat, keeping his eyes on Dumbledore. There was an uproar of gasps and chatter between the paintings. They all ran into each other's paintings to gossip.

"You... and Grindelwald?"

"Yes. We hid it well. At least he did. Many people questioned me, but I always denied. You see back then, two boys in love was unheard of. It was a great taboo. But, I feel what he did was worse then betraying. He tampered with my thoughts through gentle words and soft kisses."

Remus looked down, unsure how to feel. He felt like he should feel relieved that he had someone to relate to, but he wasn't. He just felt worse. He felt like a whining little brat. The relationship Dumbledore had with Grindelwald clearly ruined him for anyone else. There was at least some hope for him.

. . . right?

"Headmaster I-" Dumbledore's hand cut him off.

"It's alright Remus. No 'sorry' s are in order. What is the past is the past. All I want you to know is that you're not alone in this; you never were. You may come to Hogwarts anytime you please to speak to me. The doors of the Castle and my office are always open."

"Thank you."

"And of course, if you wish, you may spend your transformations in the shack."

Remus looked out the window to see the old Shrieking Shack in the distance.

"I rather not... too many memories..." He ran his fingers though his hair, stopped midway and pulled. Dumbledore just nodded.

"Why dose this have to hurt so damn much?" the question came out as a whimper.

"Because Remus, you trusted him with everything. Your life, your heart, your body, and your secrets. You always had a very clam, strong persona but when you were with Sirius, you let your walls down. You were vulnerable around him. And if I'm not mistake, you were very young when you gave yourself to him. Fifth year am I correct?" There it was again, that mischievous twinkle. Remus' face flushed red.

"I don't want to know how you know that..."

"Well it's very hard to ignore James congratulating you two in the middle of the Great Hall during breakfast."

He looked down trying to hide his embarrassment, and spotted the ring he had been wearing on his left hand for almost three years now. He hardly knew it was there anymore. It was like a part of his skin now. It was a plain silver – no, it was white gold- a plain white gold band. It resided on his left ring finger. He grabbed hold of it between his right index finger and thumb and twisted.

His thoughts floated to Sirius and the incident in the Great Hall.

The smile crept across Remus' face.

_Oi! It's about bloody time you two shagged!_

_J-James! For the love of Merlin keep your voice down._

_I don't care of you're like my brother I will hex you, Prongs._

_Oh come now you two! This is a time for celebration! Wormtail! Get the cake!_

The smile turned into weak laughing as he remembered seeing Sirius chase James around the Great Hall, face red as ever.

Dumbledore smiled to see Remus' laughing. The werewolf looked up.

"So... Grindelwald, huh?"

The old wizard chuckled. "It was the German accent. Very attractive might I say." He winked. They both ended up laughing. It felt good too feel another emotion besides pain.

Remus knew a lot of things now. He knew that this, the fact that Lily, James and Peter where dead and Sirius was responsible, was all too real. He knew that he wasn't alone in this because he had Dumbledore. And most of all he knew he couldn't stop thinking about Sirius. He couldn't not think his name. The way his hair felt between his fingers. His laughs, his yells. They all echoed in his head. He couldn't banish Sirius from his mind or his heart.

After he finished laughing, his whole body hurt and his palms were sweaty. His heart once again began to pound against his chest. All he could think about now was the potions and the soothing effect.

Oh... and he knew he just might be developing a dependency on these potions...


End file.
